Personal Life

2009-09-28T12:35:00.002+08:00

Questions filled my mind , all day long. Uncertainty and doubts arises.
I do not know how I should feel about you.
We are so far away. Mentally and physically.
We had never met.
It's so real and yet so unreal at the same time.

If I could turn back time , I would not want this at all.
It 's killing me

2009-08-17T00:08:00.003+08:00

Had been constantly scribbling on everything via my diary , notebook, typing in my lj and even on the secret memo section in my cell. I could not contain my feelings anymore .

I release myself by crying out loud in the middle of the night.
And that explain why I'm here now.
And I had a major exam tomorrow and I so fucking need to do well for.
Sigh

I hate all this distractions. I need a sleep till 5a.m and drill my brain to memorize every single shit into my head.

I'm giving up ; like really.
I don't want this anymore
It had no end

I might be brave and strong enough

Accidentally in love

2009-08-14T22:18:00.000+08:00

I felt so lonely now, it seemed like the world is gonna tumble over me.
It 's an unexplainable feeling.

I don't think I missed you at all but was troubled by the fact that I was dejected by you for that certain reason. Your straight forwardness had caused a deep impact on my personal self esteem. I could not erase the fact that I'm not attractive enough / physically attractive.

And i would like to highly emphasize, I don't miss you at all.
I barely knew you.

It's been two years, and I had been closing myself from any guys that tried to come close to me. But sadly, most of them approached me for the obvious wrong reasons.

I'm not sure who will be reading this, but I certainly hope that no one would ever remember this page.

I'm looking forward to love again.
I miss that kind of feeling to have someone genuinely saying the three words to you.
The kisses and the hugs would definitely feel different.

Cry me a river

2009-07-12T21:09:00.001+08:00

I'm crying badly , over the same old problem
Everyone is born uniquely different from one another, so why discriminate someone that look a little different. Are they not human too, with feelings. Are they not just like you ?

Do I deserve all this derogatory remarks on how I look ?
Why am I always the last resort ?

2009-07-03T10:51:00.000+08:00

MY LIFE IS SO SCREWED.
IT'S INCOMPLETE!
IT'S SO SO INCOMPLETE

My heart was shattered.

2009-06-18T20:04:00.001+08:00

maybe I should forget about it

2009-06-11T17:04:00.002+08:00

You shouted the three lovely words over the phone.
but that was two years ago.

2009-06-10T21:45:00.001+08:00

Comeback to me, love :(

Don't know why -

2009-06-10T11:25:00.002+08:00

How should I start this?
It's been two years, and why am I counting it.
I had no one to lean to, no one to talk to about this, friends were most probably tired of me talking about him over and over again or the guys that came into my life. Too many in a short period of time, I'm not sure, but they just come and go as they wish.

and when I wanted to settle to one,
he treats me like a cold fish .

Karma? , maybe

2009-06-08T15:41:00.002+08:00

Imagine seeing him and his girlfriend happily eating their lunch together last week .
And a few days later , someone called and told you he had a motorbike accident.
You were confused and verified about his condition again.
and the next moment it struck you that you will never see him again.

A charming young man who had just turned over a new leaf and had a promising future ahead. With a lovely girlfriend , family and friends. Why is God doing this to him when he's trying so hard to become a better person. Why must God do this?

I did not know how to react, I was never close to him but at least we were classmates for half a year. Despite that , he helped me through the silly silly things that happened to me during secondary school , and yes Feng Ling you reminded me of that.

Rest in peace, Dixon Chan.
I admire your bravery and determination.

2009-06-03T22:54:00.000+08:00

it just sucks when you are not there for me

I need a piece of clear mind !

2009-06-02T22:20:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling stress hovering me. It's getting harder each time entering a higher level of education, it 's more on self reliance and independence this time round. I had a hard time trying to catch up with the lessons, and I hate the feeling of having the need to be so hardworking and get half baked results. I'm feeling old , lethargic and so sick of project , lectures and tutorials. My head , brain just drained out when I need to think and sometimes I just lacked the courage to convey what I wanted to say/ express like how I used to.

It's like falling in love. It had became a barrier for me to enter again. Should i be having more courage as I get older rather than being as timid as a mouse ?

Damn , where's the confidence man?
Hidden inside the closet?

Shitzshitzshitz.
Okay , turning back to lecture notes.
little devils , demons , shoo

2009-05-30T15:59:00.001+08:00

Should I or should I not ?
Sometimes it's better to be nonchalant about everything right?
I think I should just forget about it.

how empty do I feel now?
10/ 10 !

2009-05-28T20:43:00.001+08:00

Am i the last resort or the last one to pop up in everybody's mind ?

And why do i feel so awkward looking at someone I knew so well last time ?

2009-05-24T20:25:00.001+08:00

yucks yucks yucks yucks yucks yucks

2009-05-23T15:39:00.000+08:00

Oh - I don't want to care anymore
You want to reply just reply
Don't want , then just leave it .

Neglected

2009-05-21T01:15:00.000+08:00

But i don't really care manz .

I want to be happier

2009-05-17T09:04:00.002+08:00

I don't think he 's the one anymore. The feeling had faded, he did not treat me as someone to him anymore. I can feel it and my gut instinct was telling me he had many other girls.
I do not know how long I can hold on to this but I really needed a rest for myself.
Why must I be the one hugging the cell waiting for a one word message.
Indeed it felt good to see his name flashing there was a message
but in the next second you read the text, it's always less than 5 words.
We have not even met , and ultimately i do not think that I would have the courage to meet you. You are a good looker , successful and even excel in your leisure and studies. I am just a very normal girl with a small circle of friends, no talents at all and just a typical normal person.

The smileys are fake. I don't even feel happy at all .
and your smiley are fake too .

You are using the same excuses as him, using your career and studies to cover up all your excuses to not contact me .

You said that you were different .
But you are not even .

I just feel ..... nonexistent .
That 's the perfect word

2009-05-16T11:26:00.002+08:00

A week had past , yet so many things undone.
My body is aching like mad. 2.4 km with B. , gym with y.p and R. School's facilities was awesome, at least better than those at Yishun Stadium. :)
Caught Angels and Demons with R. and A. [ It was my first time hanging out with them]

I was wondering if you are real to me.The feeling had faded a little. Receiving your messages seemed like a routine, waiting for your text seemed like a chore. Entertaining you seemed so systematic. Yes , I love you and still hoping that you are different from them.

2009-05-13T21:18:00.001+08:00

Excuses , fucking excuses. So sick of it .
I think i will just need to leave you alone.
Why must I always be there for you , and when I need you
You will never be there for me

who are my friends? I am beginning to wonder.
Fuck it

mr. you

2009-05-10T09:28:00.002+08:00

We were on the mattress lay on the floor watching DVD . It's been a month since we met, I think as far as I could remember. Things went on like usual, we kept talking about the movie and stuff and blah blah blah. Okay I would not want to continue already.

Will be seeing him next week again , I think .

昨天是恋人，明天说分手就手

2009-05-09T09:35:00.003+08:00

Emotions filled. Had my emotions and anger leashed out to my dearest friend. We had so much in common, one - our star sign , two- our perception of life and third- people taking us for granted. It was hours and hours of alone time with her, we were taking about everything under the moon. I feel so comfortable confessing my life to her. She listened patiently and gave me full support and encouragement. And that was all I needed for that night.

I talked to her about him , him and him. and many him(s)
Should i pursue him again? Or should I just move on.

I'm getting so tired over all sorts of things.
Especially you

突然好想你

2009-05-07T22:26:00.002+08:00

我没有被真正的爱过。
也没有真正的谈一场轰轰烈烈的爱情。
心痛比被疼爱熟悉。

我讨厌自己因为爱而忘了自己

Ha, nonsense.

2009-05-07T06:45:00.000+08:00

Slept for almost half of the day. Hugging my pillow, bearing the pain without much distraction. The pain was unbearable, but everything became just fine after I slept in a certain position.

My mind was almost empty. I woke up at 1a.m to check my phone. Never did I realized, I'm still significant to some. To you :)

2009-05-06T16:04:00.000+08:00

i felt the vibration from my bed, it was my phone and i had a message but it was something i wanted to read at all. The content was too direct and hurting in a sense.

I do not know how i am going to cope with this inner feeling/ emotions I'm struggling with now. I'm hoping for something that would make me better now. With the additional physical pain i am tormenting with now, now i don't need a reason to cry. It's so pain. I needed someone now but in the end I would just give that person very bad attitude or even stayed monotonous. I don't think anybody should be treated like this and had their day screwed with my inner emotions and tantrums.

I know i had been scaring people away with the real me. Or maybe it was not me at all.

I used to be happier, but i found no reason to be happy now. Life is so meaningless. I'm losing things one by one from my side for no apparent reason or maybe there were reasons but I was kept in the dark.

My tears just kept flowing and I do not even want anybody to see the state I'm now.
I want to escape , I feel like dying

Hopefully , nobody will find out this page

2009-05-06T13:13:00.000+08:00

I was truly fascinated by the arty skins blogskins.com offers and wanted some personal space to pen down my personal life.

Things had not been going smoothly for me. Be it school, family , friendship or love life. Changes were inevitable and it turned out to be kind of obvious to some of my close friends. The current economic situation had kind of turned my life upside down, I was not able to indulge without worrying about the pathetic penny i had left. Swine flu had caught the world to be more health conscious and more wary about the surroundings. Bad news came in one at a time and had made me wondered what would happen next.

I was terribly upset by some humans. Especially the masculine. They just turned me off by the way they behaves, their perception of life and their hunger for women( not winning their hearts for true love but winning hearts to satisfy their sexual needs). Sometimes, I just wish that I was not expose to all this dirty things in the world, I would not say I hate men. I adore men and their physique and definitely guys with that charisma. But in real life , they are not even what the media had portrayed them to be, the lovely guys that would sacrifice so much for love or maybe it had not happened to me yet. The guys i had met are all up to the same thing.

It just pissed me off more.